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'grief & loss in the house where i went mad, part I'   icing sugar, blue tarp, water  2020:

(above) test performance stills

These images come from a trial performance conducted during the covid-19 lockdown. Explorations into emotional colour theory whilst watching and later grieving the death of my father formed naturally into a emotional colour wheel specific for me. I recognise that my own emotional landscape capabilities remain somewhat under-developed as a result of my mental health issues, most of which began in the same house i was now attempting to grieve in.  The space to express emotions, to discuss them, to explore them in non conventional ways was (is) hard to find. 

As a child I learnt that there was a right was of having emotions, what could be felt where and when. This was then played out again during the mourning and funeral process. Wear black to funerals, don’t talk too much about it, don’t ask too many questions, reminisce only good things. A lot of these rules seemed so alien to me. I needed to find a way to explore the complex emotions i was feelings. 

This piece remains in development with more test performances needed. The current working vision of the completed version of this work would take place inside a white cube space, the walls and floor lined with damp canvas. It would use highly pigmented paint powder and see me run through the same 13 memories, responding to each one with handfuls of the coloured pigment(s) correlating to the emotional spectrum it produced. The performative elements would come in the form of trying to channel, express what i felt in those moments. In feel exploration is needed as to whether or not to explain the events i’m responding to. Or if it is enough to watch someone experiencing their emotions, if taking up the space conveys the point. 

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